The Voices of My Head

I don't know when, but for a long time now I've been in the habit of not thinking in my own voice. I don't like my voice. I hate to hear it played back to me, I even don't like to hear when I'm talking because I know it doesn't sound to the listener as it sounds to me. If my voice sounded in the air the way it sounds in my head I'd be okay with it, but since it doesn't I try not to hear it.


So when I think in words, I think in a voice I like. One that conveys the desired sense of emotion that I'm then feeling. I usually use three, two more often then the third and each for different thoughts and moods. I have always based them off of the voices of real people, always actors or rather the a specific character they play. These are the ones I'm currently using.

David Tennant as The Doctor of Doctor Who

I've been thinking with this voice for about two years now, ever since Tennant took over the role of the Doctor. He is the voice I use for most of my emotions especially the passion laden ones. He is also who I like to think in when when I am especially angry, the sound of his righteous indignation is especially impressive. In real life Tennant speaks with a Scottish accent, but he uses an English one for Doctor Who and that's the one I think in.

Damian Lewis as Charlie Crews of Life

I started using Lewis' voice before Life premiered on NBC, when I began watching HBO's Band of Brothers in which he played the lead. He normally speaks with an English accent but he used an American one on HBO and he uses on on NBC. He is what I think in concerning religious, spiritual, and ethical matters. His soft voice is very pleasant making thinking about God feel nice.

Jeffrey Donovan as Michael Westen of Burn Notice

When I need a calm in-control focus I use Donovan. His character on Burn Notice is matter of fact, straight to the point, sarcastic, and violent when necessary. I think in his voice the least but I've only been using him for about 6 months now. He comes in very handy when under stress, especially at school.

I want to make clear that I don't hear these voices; I think in them. They don't talk to me, they think as me. They are ways of bringing control to the stress of everyday life and I don't use them all the time. Now before you conclude that it's wired I suggest you try it. Just think you normal thoughts in the voice of your favorite actor or character they play (it's best if they are the same gender you are). You might find it's not so bad.

Once More With Feeling

When I was a little child I was a very happy one, or so I've been told. Most of my memories though are about the bad things of that time, the panic attacks, the shivers, and finally the vomiting. I do remember there were times when I felt joy and excitement, but I only remember that I did feel them, not what they felt like. Except for the fear, I think about that and I can feel it clawing at my conciseness waiting to take control. Fortunately my medication deals with it, keeping the panic at bay.

I've been taking Paxil for over a dozen years now, long before they started advertising it on TV.
It has been a blessing, and it has given me great faith in western medicine. I don't understand people who don't trust doctors and pills made in laboratories yet will eastern remedies that have never been but through any clinical trials. Not to say that western medicine isn't without its side effects.

In exchange for being able to do everyday things, I have had to give up a social life. When once I had friends (2) now I have a myriad of acquaintances. One of the side effects of Paxil is a lack of empathy, something that is very necessary in socialization. For a good while I couldn't pick up on social ques which very often relate to what one is feeling. Things that shifted the mood of a group would bounce right off of me. Me and a few others might be discussing something funny and then the conversation will shift towards something more serious; I will crack a joke about the new topic only to receive cold stares. Sometimes when I was in a room and everyone else was having fun I'd just stand by blankly, feeling nothing, killing the mood.

But I recently found away around my problem: imagination. A recent example: On 12/22/20007 I was at the annual family Christmas party, feeling like my usual self. Faking happiness at seeing my relatives (if I was off my meds I'm sure I would have actually felt happy), asking them lots of questions because my curiosity is one of the few things I have left. As the party was winding down I was sitting on the coach watching my little cousins opening their gifts and seeing everyone in good spirits I felt that I should feel some sort of warm joy. So I closed my eyes for no more than a second or two and imagined this...

The inside of a small room up north, a dorm, hopefully my dorm. It's Christmas and cold out side but warm in here. I'm looking through my own eyes but without my glasses, but seeing as though I have them on. In front of me is my girlfriend (a person who doesn't really exist) hope to be wife. She has soft white skin not to pale but not tanned either. Her hair is blond and pulled back in a ponytail. She's not fat nor very thin just average and wearing a red turtle neck sweater. She and I are sitting cross legged on the floor sipping hot chocolate. She looks me in the eye and says, "I love you."

Then I opened my eyes and I was back at the party, feeling a great sense of joy and love. My eyes were even starting to water up. To anyone who saw me it looked like I was really enjoying the party. Well I was enjoying it, on an intellectual and gut level I knew I was, but emotionally I was enjoying something else. And when I let go of the imaginary idea for a short time I felt such love and enjoy at the party.

I have matured beyond the level that most of my family and acquaintances are used to. I am not who I once was.