Once More With Feeling

When I was a little child I was a very happy one, or so I've been told. Most of my memories though are about the bad things of that time, the panic attacks, the shivers, and finally the vomiting. I do remember there were times when I felt joy and excitement, but I only remember that I did feel them, not what they felt like. Except for the fear, I think about that and I can feel it clawing at my conciseness waiting to take control. Fortunately my medication deals with it, keeping the panic at bay.

I've been taking Paxil for over a dozen years now, long before they started advertising it on TV.
It has been a blessing, and it has given me great faith in western medicine. I don't understand people who don't trust doctors and pills made in laboratories yet will eastern remedies that have never been but through any clinical trials. Not to say that western medicine isn't without its side effects.

In exchange for being able to do everyday things, I have had to give up a social life. When once I had friends (2) now I have a myriad of acquaintances. One of the side effects of Paxil is a lack of empathy, something that is very necessary in socialization. For a good while I couldn't pick up on social ques which very often relate to what one is feeling. Things that shifted the mood of a group would bounce right off of me. Me and a few others might be discussing something funny and then the conversation will shift towards something more serious; I will crack a joke about the new topic only to receive cold stares. Sometimes when I was in a room and everyone else was having fun I'd just stand by blankly, feeling nothing, killing the mood.

But I recently found away around my problem: imagination. A recent example: On 12/22/20007 I was at the annual family Christmas party, feeling like my usual self. Faking happiness at seeing my relatives (if I was off my meds I'm sure I would have actually felt happy), asking them lots of questions because my curiosity is one of the few things I have left. As the party was winding down I was sitting on the coach watching my little cousins opening their gifts and seeing everyone in good spirits I felt that I should feel some sort of warm joy. So I closed my eyes for no more than a second or two and imagined this...

The inside of a small room up north, a dorm, hopefully my dorm. It's Christmas and cold out side but warm in here. I'm looking through my own eyes but without my glasses, but seeing as though I have them on. In front of me is my girlfriend (a person who doesn't really exist) hope to be wife. She has soft white skin not to pale but not tanned either. Her hair is blond and pulled back in a ponytail. She's not fat nor very thin just average and wearing a red turtle neck sweater. She and I are sitting cross legged on the floor sipping hot chocolate. She looks me in the eye and says, "I love you."

Then I opened my eyes and I was back at the party, feeling a great sense of joy and love. My eyes were even starting to water up. To anyone who saw me it looked like I was really enjoying the party. Well I was enjoying it, on an intellectual and gut level I knew I was, but emotionally I was enjoying something else. And when I let go of the imaginary idea for a short time I felt such love and enjoy at the party.

I have matured beyond the level that most of my family and acquaintances are used to. I am not who I once was.