Sunday, January 20, 2008

How Am I Perceived?

I often wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with myself because I have no idea what I'm like to other people. Some people like me, others seem to take an instant dislike to me. Take my family for instance...

While I think my sisters' and mother like me, I have come to think that my father doesn't. Not to say that he doesn't love me, but I don't think he likes me. If we weren't related I think he wouldn't want to spend anytime with me. I can't quite figure out why that is. I do think though that there is an imbalance in are relationship. As for my extended family, I don't think anyone more than five years older than me likes me. I think that perhaps I come off as snide, or arrogant, but no one tells me so I can't be sure.

Now the people I meet are a different story, lately I've been having better luck than I used with them. When I was in high school about half the people in my class and above (grade) didn't seem to like me. Three cases stand out in particular. The first was admittedly my own fault. Writing a poem about someone you like, then turning it in for a class assignment and finally telling other people about it is not the best way to get someone to like you especially when they don't seem to care to much for you to begin with. The 2nd case I never quite understood. Her was a girl who I respected, admired, and found attractive but for some reason seemed to loath me. When we talked it was almost always in group settings and on the few occasions we were alone it was always school related, except one where she told me she thought I was uncommitted and shouldn't even be apart of our organization, so I don't see what on earth I could to earn such a low opinion from her. I asked her more than once and never got an answer. She just wouldn't answer the question outright. Why she didn't like me still vexes me to this day. The 3rd person I had problems with was a guy my age who I just found to be rather prissy and I think my dislike of him my have been why he never took a liking to me. It is my fault thought that I treated him as I did and I have every intention of apologizing for my misconduct.

Lately however I have been having better fortunes with first meetings. I think that I learned to control myself in front of people more. I make better acquaintances in class now then I did in high school, but we almost never speak to each other once the semester ends. Socially I have been doing better with women; I think I'm getting better at flirting, I had a nice thing going with one girl 'till I found out she had a boyfriend and I even managed to go out on a couple of dates with another, but it didn't work out as I would have liked. I could never have gotten a date in high school (with anyone I liked), which raises the question what has changed? Is it the people I am around? Is it me who has become different or have I just learned to be what people want?

No comments: