Never Enough Time

I've been thinking about time lately. How there isn't enough when you want and more then enough when you don't need it. I've been thinking about changing the past. If I knew then what I know now I would not have done what I did then. But if I had taken the other road would I be able to appreciate having done so?

I suppose everyone entertains these thoughts once in a while. I don't know what other people would change, but I know what I would: my attitude, my eating, my friends, my cowardly actions. The last have always been my greatest regret. I can live with being fat (plenty of people do), and my attitude did secure for me a comfortable if not desired social niche; my friends we few so I don't want to change them so much as get them. But many of my action's rather inaction's were motivated by fear. Fear of humiliation and rejection.

It's strange, but my fears were (and to some extent are) more personal then other people's. I didn't fear being rejected by a group. It had happened so often early in life that I don't mind now, the same for humiliation. Put me in front of a few people, it's as if I feel there is a finite amount of awareness in the room and they are each getting a greater share. Whatever I do will be remembered more because there are fewer of them. It doesn't make sense, does it?

I think about the time a head too. What I would like to happen. Sometimes I want importance more then anything, a place in history. Lately though I think of the more immediate future, the next five usually. I now what I want to have more than anything in that time, and it's not a degree. It's love. The love you freely give another and the love that is returned. That's what I see in my head, what I hope to have in time.